The Secret's Out

pink and purple notebook with label reading 'the secret is out'

I've longed for the day that I could share this secret. I've waited 16 months to shout it jubilantly from the rooftops, and yet I'm gingerly whispering it instead. 



I have a job
I have a job
I HAVE A JOB

In December 2015 I was told that I wasn't satisfactory. Not my work, me. I tried to explain that my work had suffered because I had been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, with my workplace and its employees at the root of the problem. I was told they needed a strong person. 

I was broken. It took 6 months of counselling before I could even apply to jobs again. My first 'proper' job had taught me that my polite personality was wrong, weak. I couldn't think straight, couldn't leave the house alone, couldn't shake the belief that I would never be clever, talented, or indeed ruthless enough to survive in a working environment. 

When I did start to apply for jobs, the countless 'sorry, you were unsuccessful' emails, or worse, radio silence, magnified my thoughts. Hours spent on applications just for someone on the other side to say the words that echo around my head and sustain my anxiety: she's not good enough

In the meantime I began to volunteer at an elderly daycare centre, which forced me to leave the house and take on some responsibility- if only for 3 hours a week. For those 3 hours I could get out of my head and step away from my doubts, and into somebody else's shoes instead. The elderly people I visited all had dementia, and it was up to me to laugh at the same story for the 7th time, or to hold their hand when the world was just a little too much. 

Without knowing it, they were holding my hand, too. To see somebody's face light up when you enter the room is pretty special, and feeling the trust they hold for you is even better. As I step into my new role, which is also around elderly people, I know that doubts will ring in my ears and fear will spike in my veins, but I also know that to the people who matter most I am comfort, I am kindness, I am strong. To them, I am good enough. 

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10 comments

  1. Fantastic Lyd! You've such a wonderful personality & soul, that the elderly people are SO lucky to have you around! x

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    1. Thankyou lovely Jessi! I fele very lucky to have them in my life, they have some amazing stories xx

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  2. Ah I know you are just fantastic in this role, I can imagine you make them laugh and bring lots of love and light to their day. Xx

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    1. Thankyou so much, Antonia! I do try very hard to do exactly that xx

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  3. I feel compelled to comment on this but I don't really know what to say. I'm sorry that happened to you in your last job, people can be awful.

    Congrats on the new job, I'm sure you'll smash it! ❤️

    Julia x

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    1. It was definitely the worst time of my life BUT I am so glad to have it far behind me, to have learned some lessons, and to have moved onto much better things! Thankyou for your encouragement! xx

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  4. So fucking happy for you!!!!!!!! DUDE <3 This is amazing <3

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    Replies
    1. THANKYOU SO MUCH it has been such a struggle but this has given me so much hope! xx

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